Ending with a New Beginning

 

This year, when I’ve wished “Happy New Year” to people, most everyone commented on how 2014 was one of the most challenging years they’ve experienced in a long time. Interesting how the challenges come to the forefront to define the quality we perceive the year to be. For me, 2013 was a year full of obstacles that I found to be more daunting than this year.  As 2014 comes to an end, I look forward to closing this chapter with the lessons that have kept repeating in my life so that I can mindfully change the undesired patterns.

I went to my last yoga class of the year and heard a term that resonated with me. The yoga instructor, Rindy Leeds, talked about “self-estrangement”, a feeling of alienation from ourself. I was fascinated and did some research.  Terry D. Cooper wrote about self-estrangement in his book Sin, Pride and Self Acceptance and describes the process of gradually becoming a stranger to ourselves when we lose touch of our real wants, hopes and dreams. A self-estranged person loses touch of who they are and cannot find real joy in life if they do not have fulfillment being authentic to their true purpose. Eventually, life doesn’t have meaning and the self-estranged person becomes dissatisfied with everything and everyone. Imagine how this ultimately affects personal relationships and intimacy. How can we truly connect with others if we can’t be in touch with ourselves?

The highlight of 2014 was completing my first film project, Berni’s Journey. From a project perspective, I definitely felt a sense of accomplishment finishing the documentary. Interestingly on a personal level, I didn’t feel complete. After all, I had put my heart and soul into this movie. When it was finally done, instead of celebrating the major milestone, I was overwhelming myself with the next set of “shoulds”.  I should be doing more PR for the movie, I should be submitting to more film festivals, or I should be thinking about the next project, etc. I was repeating the pattern of should-ing all over myself again. I hadn’t taken the time to really relish in the splendor of this very personal achievement.

I’ve had several private screenings of the film to share with family and close friends. After each viewing I had a chance to share the behind-the-scene stories of production and post-production. My husband, Joe, was given the spotlight to provide his perspective as well. What was most eye-opening was not how people reacted to the movie, but how I responded to the opportunity to speak about Berni’s Journey. I understand now why authors do book-signings. It’s marketing their product but it’s the energy of their personal presence that engages a connection beyond the story. I found that I love talking about my lived experience with the making of Berni’s Journey. People told me they appreciated seeing me vulnerable in the film, but it was the passion they could feel emanating from me when I spoke about the experience in person. No editing, no color correction and no sound mixing, just me speaking from my heart.

The term self-estrangment I resonated with has a lot to do with what brought me to India to film a documentary in the first place. The cathartic experience awakened me to my true self. The process of post-production through picture lock was another story, and not depicted in the documentary. When I speak about the journey, I feel more complete. It means that I have to show up fully and continue to be vulnerable with courage in order to continue the connection with viewers. The “what’s next” is becoming more exciting, even though it is not defined.

I don’t yet know what this means entirely for my business plan with Berni’s Journey, but I am excited to learn more about myself through this next stage. With that said, I have three resolutions for 2015:

1) Be present to the joy of now.

2) Be authentic and confidently show it to the world.

3) Be kinder to myself so I can be compassionate with others wherever they are in their journey of self-discovery.

However the new year unfolds, I embrace where I AM to allow for the next chapter of the journey to begin.  May the new year be fulfilling with all the perceived goodness and challenges that life presents. Goodbye 2014…hello 2015!

xo,

Berni

Picture Lock Accomplished

The DVD overnighted to Sundance after several sleepless nights. (as evidenced by baggy eyes)

The DVD overnighted to Sundance after several sleepless nights. (as evidenced by baggy eyes)

We met our picture lock deadline. The movie was born on September 25, 2014, and was sent off to the 2015 Sundance Film Festival Submissions for consideration. Whether or not it is selected, I am proud of the accomplishment and humbled by the experience. After a 2 1/2 year gestation period, the movie had evolved into a 60min 50sec feature-length documentary. Also, after much discussion around the title, the film is now officially Berni’s Journey. The viewer will be able to understand the concept around “Wanderland” when they watch the documentary.

We went from Main Edit to Picture Lock in record time. A ginormous dose of gratitude to the talented genius, Tommy Collier, for his dedication to meet deadline. He worked weeks of long hours and literally four days of no sleep to ensure we had a product to submit for our first film festival submission. Although we were too tired to celebrate and Tommy was off to his next production project, it was an amazing feeling to see this film come to fruition.

A big thank you to my husband, Joe, for the many hot meals delivered during the last two weeks of crunch time. I should give Joe credit for Craft Services.

 Joe delivering hot homemade meals to Tommy Collier and me during crunch time.

My husband, Joe, delivering hot homemade meals to Tommy Collier and me during crunch time.

This project was a group effort. Up to the end, it was all hands on deck to review rough cuts, director’s cut to fine cut and re-writes of synopsis and the logline. Many thanks to:

Les Nordhauser – Producer
Pat Woodard – Writer
Mitchell Alexander – Associate Producer
Jennifer Seward – Copy Editor

So What’s Next?

The 2015 Sundance Film Festival (Jan. 22 – Feb.1) kicks off the year-long season of festivals. To qualify, films cannot be premiered. It would be wonderful to have a world premiere at this festival of course, but meantime we are looking at holding a private screening mid-January to celebrate with all of our backers and supporters.

As we whittle down other film festivals to enter, the focus now turns to distribution. A press kit, updated web-site and additional fundraising to market and cover music licenses are on the to-do list. We will also continue to refine the film to augment sound mixing and color correction through November.

I will continue to provide updates on the Phase II of the journey. Now that the film is done, it’s about getting the word out.

A Dream Come True

I’ve always had a fascination for movies. I remember seeing my first movie in a refugee camp when my mother and I just evacuated Vietnam. I was 4-years-old and couldn’t understand English, but the movie gave me glimpses of what life may be like when I reunited with my father in the U.S. I never thought making a movie would be possible until now. Thank you to the many who helped bring this dream to life. #dreamcometrue, #believe

Berni

Through the Looking Glass

Alice quote I was a differnt person then

It was one year ago since the Kickstarter campaign closed and successfully funded to begin the post-production process and editing of Berni’s Journey in Wanderland.

As the previous post explained, the creative process has spiraled back and forth. What started as a short film has expanded into a feature length documentary. At one point, I considered changing the title of the movie to make it a generic, universal title. The spiraling process brought us back to keeping the original title and keeping the theme of a modern day Alice in Wonderland quotes from Lewis Carroll’s book as a method to transition points throughout the film.

“Either the well was very deep or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time to look about her and to wonder what was going to happen next.”  -Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll

How many monitors does it take to edit?

How many monitors does it take to edit?

Overview of Post-Production Accomplishments to Date

  • Expansion of storyline to feature length
  • Four additional original music tracks composed for feature-length
  • 15+ additional hours of pick-up shots and interviews
  • Introduced new treatments: photo-scaping, authentic email voice-over
  • Incorporated my family through interviews, B-roll and voice-over
  • Returned to Alice in Wonderland concept utilizing quotes for transitions
  • Several re-writes of script and adding/deleting characters to tell the best story
  • Picture lock goal of September 20th to submit to our first film festival

These are high-level descriptions, but there are many, many hours of minutia details that went into the post-production of the project.

Working into the wee hours of the night.

Working into the wee hours of the night.

I have many people to thank for their time and talent:

  • Tommy Collier – Post-production manager and editor
  • Les Nordhauser – Co-producer
  • Pat Woodard – Script Writer
  • Mitchell Alexander – Associate Producer
  • Melissa Stoner – Vanacore Composer
  • Joe Slowey – Patient spouse, excellent cook and voiceover artist

 

Joe, my husband, rehearsing lines for VO.

Joe, my husband, rehearsing lines for VO.

And of course a huge amount of gratitude to my family, friends (old & new) and Kickstarter supporters who joined me on this cinematic journey.

Berni

 

Creative.Process.Not.Easy.

Creative Process

CREATIVE PROCESS ≠ EASY
I now know why writers and editors laughed at me when I told them I wanted Berni’s Journey in Wanderland to be finished within six months. Yes, it’s a nice goal and even with all the intentions of getting the film completed within a calendar year, it probably was possible. But would the story be where it is today? Not even close.

What I Thought the Creative Process Would Be

What I Thought the Creative Process Would Be

DOCUMENTARY ≠ NARRATIVE MOVIE
Production and filming for a narrative movie works from a script. A documentary on the other hand, or at least in this case, the script is written based on the production. What was captured, what footage is available, and are the images usable to tell a story? There were several stories that I could have told and many angles we could have taken. Part of the telling of this documentary is how it unexpectedly became my story. The post-production creative process has been a similar experience with me being more open to sharing more of my story over time.

The creative process resembled an Etch-a-Sketch rendering made by a 3-year-old.

The creative process resembled an Etch-a-Sketch rendering made by a 3-year-old.

GETTING CLOSE TO THE END
There is an end in sight. We are targeting September 20th for the picture lock date. Picture Lock is the stage when the story and footage is set and ready for the icing, color correction and sound mixing. The cake is baking, per se, and we just had to include the right ingredients. I now see the value of the easing and flowing through the creative process. Yes, the control freak side of me has had to humbly surrender. A few ideas have come full circle and cool elements have been introduced. That would not have been the case if the film was finished last November. For example, my husband, Joe, is a critical addition. His perspective brings more of a universal understanding of my journey.

How the creative process feels today.

How the creative process feels today.

More news to come about plans for a private screening and film festival submissions in the near future.

Berni

1-Year Anniversary of 1st Post

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an·ni·ver·sa·ry (anəˈvərsərē) noun  1. The annually recurring date of a past event, especially one of historical, national, or personal importance; 2. A celebration commemorating such a date.

I originally started this blog site in September of 2010. It only had one entry. I intended to chronicle a difficult transition after a major life-changing event. I had a lot of ideas of what I wanted to write, but I just wasn’t ready to put it all out there, to be vulnerable. Nearly four years later, I made a new entry. This time, I was spilling my soul to bring awareness to a Kickstarter campaign. I was raising funds to complete a movie project that I filmed in December of 2011. I am not good about asking for help so when I launched the campaign, it was a testament of the growth I experienced over the course of several years. 

I look back to last summer and how much has transpired in a year’s time. The movie has evolved. Berni’s Journey in Wanderland went from a short to a feature length documentary. The story has expanded to include more of the backstory as to why I left to film in India. A lot of what went into my original post in September of 2010 is the crux of laying the foundation of what drew me to follow a dream.  I never expected to become more open to sharing my real thoughts and insecurities. Every time I wrote an entry, the chains of worry and fear lightened. Like with the movie, if an entry helped even one person, then the opportunity to serve liberates my concern of what others think of my words. 

Last Friday, we shot the final scene of the film.  The creative process astounds me. What I thought would be a 6-month project at the most, would not have told the full story. It would’ve been a half-tale. My family would not be involved. I don’t know if I would have garnered as much support if I did not reach out to my community for help. Much like the movie’s evolution, this blog site continues to share the story of Berni’s Journey.  

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It is very interesting what can happen when you set an intention. I once declared that whatever I was going to do in my next career, I wanted it to be interesting enough that I could chronicle the adventure. Funny how things take form. And so the journey continues…

Motherhood 101 – Love Thyself

Love-yourself-first

Anyone who ever felt like they had to parent their siblings may understand this, but at one time in my life I didn’t want children. I am five years older than my next of kin sister and 15 years older than my baby brother.  I was often relegated to babysitting and every time my mother would take an extended trip (basically moving away until my father begged her to return home), I was the reluctant matriarch of the house. This affected the family dynamics and altered my relationship with my siblings. When I was 14-years old, I was so resentful about missing out on much of my childhood, I swore to myself that I would get my tubes tied when I turned eighteen.  I did not want to bring children into the world with my jaded view on parenthood.

When I was 23, I was already three years ahead of my 5-YEAR-PLAN. I was in a dream job, owned a home and feeling at the prime of my life. I liked being able to do what I wanted, when I wanted. My life was mapped out so that I would have a graduate degree by 25, my own business by 30, married at 35 and then smooth sailing through retirement. This was a conservative plan to allow cushioning around finding the right partner for marriage. L-O-V-E was a four-letter word and the only meaning I understood was what the dictionary offered. For me, love meant excitement, hot sex and companionship with occasional intimacy…and maybe a sense of temporary security.

Then a series of events happened to make me question my 5-YEAR-PLAN model. I go off course and end up falling in love with Joe. What was suppose to be a summer fling turned more serious when I observed how nurturing he was with my friend’s puppy. Joe had a black lab and a very responsible pet owner. One weekend, a girlfriend asked me if we would watch her golden retriever puppy over the weekend. Joe lived in a house with two other roommates but they were also going out of town that same weekend. It was a rare opportunity to be alone and to play house with the dogs. Waking up that Sunday weekend morning, I observed how nurturing and sweet Joe was to the puppy. Then it hit me. This man could be the father of my children!  But wait, I’m only 25 and I still have ten years before I walk down the aisle.  Having babies is not part of the equation.  The fling quickly turned into a romance. I had fallen head over heals and understood Love with my heart. The 3-month rule of waiting to say “I love you” didn’t apply. Truly, madly, deeply.

Nearly three years to the day of our first “date”, Joe and I were married. I wanted to wait a few years to enjoy marriage and to get solid footing before nesting. Joe wanted to start making a baby on our wedding night. We compromised and removed the goalie after our 1-year wedding anniversary. After months of practice, we finally got pregnant at the turn of the century. Apparently a lot of people were celebrating because a baby boom was predicted in October that year.

Six Months Pregnant

Six Months Pregnant

My pregnancy was easy, I loved every second of it. Not once did I experience morning sickness. I was naive about maternity clothes and dreaded the polyester material. I wore my regular clothes for as long as I could and felt sexier than ever outgrowing them. My hair and nails grew out beautifully and my skin radiated.  I excitedly went to every pre-natal appointment. The first ultrasound was of course an unbelievable experience. Joe was hoping to see two heartbeats with twins running in my family.  I was delighted just to see a heartbeat. We were the first of our group of friends to have a baby so I relied on books and advice from other women at the office. Everyone was so sweet to tell me how I only looked pregnant from the side, even after I gained 65 pounds.

It was one-week after the due date and the maternity wards were full. The baby boom prediction was correct. Make-shift maternity triages were being prepared on other floors at the hospital. I had been put on a waiting list but then moved up when the amniotic fluid became dangerously low. We would be called as soon as a room opened. The nursery was ready, we were prepped from the Lamaze classes and we were anxious to meet our little miracle. After 36 hours of labor and two hours of pushing, Nicholas Joseph was born. Joe made it through the delivery without fainting. But after the Pitocin, epidural and no food or sleep, I was numb. I peered over and saw Joe holding our baby boy. It was one of the most peaceful and joyful moments I ever witnessed. It was as though I could see Love and how it surrounded Joe and Nicholas like a bubble. The feeling was overwhelming. There are no words to describe the potency.

Baby Nick, 9lbs, 21 inches

Baby Nick, 9lbs, 21 inches

Nick was a happy baby that only cried when hungry or when it was time for bed. I loved toting him all over because he was so easy going. The only thing was that he never wanted to go to sleep. Even at the hospital, the nurse asked if we would leave Nick in the room with us since he was keeping the other babies up with his crying. As a new parent, I took delight in his rapid development. He held his head up quickly, he sat up and crawled early, he walked before nine months and said his first words before 12 months. Having Nick as our first child spoiled us into thinking it would be easy to have two. Joe was thinking we could have four if we added twins to the mix.

We figured it would take us a few months to get pregnant the second time since it took 10 months with Nick. In the first month of trying, I tested positive. I had to stand on my head to get pregnant with Nick and then barely a sneeze and there’s a bun in the oven the second time around. Again, the pregnancy was effortless and not a smidgen of morning sickness. I was smarter this time and knew what to expect. I ate less knowing the baby would not starve and discerned the difference between the baby moving versus my internal organs moving. Nick was aware that a baby brother or sister was coming. We didn’t find out the gender of either baby after considering there are just a few delightful surprises to anticipate.

At 4:30 a.m. on May Day, Jack I begin to feel contractions. This throws me off because it’s the actual scheduled due date!  Of course I opted for the epidural and this time labor is much quicker. The same obstetrician (OB) delivers Jack Dillon and I am more alert and not as exhausted. Jack is placed immediately on my belly and he gives out a hearty cry. Joe doesn’t have the stomach for this delivery and is waiting in the hallway. As soon as Jack arrives though, proud papa can’t wait to hold him. I feel the same overwhelming emotion of joy and love as with the first childbirth. There is something ethereal about the birth of a baby. It was as though I was in heaven on earth for that moment. Nick and Jack are almost exactly 18-months apart.

Baby Jack, 8 lbs, 7 oz, 21 inches

Baby Jack, 8 lbs, 7 oz, 21 inches

Nick was great about meeting his baby brother, Jack. I admit I was hoping for a girl to have one of each gender, but I was smitten about having two boys. There was always the possibility of going for three. Jack was a quiet and peaceful baby up until he was 1-month old. Out of nowhere, he is fussy and colicky. The poor baby cries most of the time and we invest stock in Mylicon. It’s supposed to be the best temporary relief from gas pains which helps Jack…and mom too.  Jack’s temperament is different from Nick’s and he seems more sensitive. Nick is like a bull in a china shop staking his territory. Jack is more reserved and acts only after observing. The two are different personalities but like Nick, Jack is quick to develop physically. He is slower to speak, having a big brother happily doing the talking for both of them. Jack does settle and as he turns 3-months, the colic has diminished.

Returning to work and the boys in the care of a trusted and nurturing sitter (we still keep in touch with her today in gratitude), I am thrown back into the craze of work with an acquisition, new marketing campaign, renewal of multi-million dollar sponsorships and grand openings of new branches. Joe is traveling two out of four weeks every month and there aren’t enough hours in the day to feel effective in my job. I’m the mom that arrives five-minutes after the childcare center is closed almost daily. I don’t know if it was having two babies close together or the lack of sleep having a colicky baby, but I believe I experienced some level of post-partum depression. I never told the doctor and figured it was just temporary melancholy. Regardless, the hormones are volatile and take time to return to normal.

Six weeks being back on the job and I get a devastating call.  My mother’s friend informs me that my 52-year old mother had a stroke and she is being transferred to another hospital for specialized care. She is in another state so I made arrangements to fly out the same day. Joe was supportive and didn’t hesitate a second about watching both boys while I left town. The stress at work and then watching my mother as she laid still in a coma for two weeks took a toll.  I questioned my abilities as a mother.  Was I doing enough for them? Was I being enough for them? My mother abandoned me and my siblings many times, would I be a good mom to my sons? Being pregnant was easy, being present as a mother was another matter.

My mother did wake from her coma but she was never the same. Even after years of physical therapy, the free-spirited woman was limited in movement. She would require medical care for the rest of her young life. I was feeling the pressure of the “Sandwich Generation”, caring for my own family and for my mother as well. It was not easy and there were many days that I didn’t handle it well and disliked my reaction. I didn’t like not being in control and being spread so thin. And, I wasn’t good about asking for help. I learned that being a martyr was unhealthy. Trying to hold it together was a recipe for disaster. By the time I asked my siblings for help, I was so frustrated that it became more of demand for assistance rather than a collaboration for a distribution of responsibility. The feeling of being an adequate nurturer for my children declined even further. I found more comfort at work than at home.

The idea of trying for a third baby was put on the shelf. I transitioned into a new job and my mother moved into an assisted living facility. My pattern of being the last mom at daycare pick-up remained and thankfully Joe would come to the rescue to save us from late fees. Joe is the cook in our family so thankfully he enjoyed preparing dinners. I failed miserably in this area. Even if I couldn’t be a proficient mom, I’d at least make a success of my career. But I couldn’t help think about another baby in the back of my mind.

I’d be sitting in a business meeting and feel phantom kicks in my belly. Or I would see someone nursing and get the sense I was lactating. Fast forward nine years after Nick was born. Joe and I feel that things are stabilizing again. The boys are are independent and healthy, my mother has found a home she likes and I am feeling the ‘ol biological clock ticking again. We decide to move the proverbial goalie once again. Very quickly, I get pregnant. We didn’t get a chance to fully get used to the idea and bam, we’re going to have another baby. I am excited and nervous. Just over a month after finding out, major changes at work bring on additional stress to an already taxing workload and growingly toxic environment. I felt unexplained chest pains and go to the emergency room. I am reluctant to do a CAT Scan because of my pregnancy. The doctor reasons that if I’m not healthy, I put the baby at risk anyway.  So I agree and the results are inconclusive. I am asked when my next appointment will be with the obstetrician. They question the due date and I’m told to get as much rest as possible to reduce the stress.

Just like the other ultrasound appointments with Nick and Jack, we are thrilled to see the baby. I share with the OB that I was in the E/R recently for chest pains and was experiencing a high level of stress because of work. We begin the ultrasound we begin to joke about whether there will be one or two heartbeats. The OB is the same doctor that delivered both boys so our rapport is very good. However, I can tell something is wrong when his face turns stoic. I ask what is the matter as he keeps moving the transducer over my belly with a furrowed brow. “I can’t find a heartbeat,” he replies. At first, I think nothing of it. Both my pregnancies were healthy so I have nothing to worry about. Finally, the doctor tells me that the fetus miscarried. I could have a D&C (Dilation and Curettage) to remove the fetus or allow mother nature to take it’s course. The room turned cold and I was in shock.  How could this happen? I’ve never had a miscarriage. This isn’t right, my due date is just off. I was in full denial. When the doctor told me he’d leave so I could have time to think, all I could do was cry.  I cried so hard I lost my breath. My heart ached from the loss.

I scheduled the D&C a few days later on August 28th so I could recover over the Labor Day weekend. Ironic timing huh? After the procedure, although I was disoriented from the general anesthesia, I was already crying. I proceeded to cry for the next two weeks. Taking a few days off was not enough. I requested a 30-day short-term disability leave. I went to yoga nearly every day to heal my body, buy my heart was still broken.

Two months later, I find out that I am pregnant again! I was elated. Maybe this time it would be a healthy pregnancy. I even dreamed that the baby was a girl. The rush of optimism returned. Then, the day before Thanksgiving, I have a natural miscarriage. My body feels tired and I am saddened. The familiar pain of loss haunts me again.

It is just after New Year’s and I miss my cycle. Could it be? I am pregnant once again!  This time, I am less optimistic and more hopeful. Alas, one day before I am to depart for a company ski trip, I have my third miscarriage. I no longer want the risk of having another miscarriage and we decide to postpone attempts indefinitely. I feel like a failure and I harden my emotions. I return to work and put on a smiley face. I don’t know what’s worse, knowing you can get pregnant and experience miscarriage or not getting pregnant in the first place? I thought back and couldn’t believe how at one time I thought I would tie by tubes so I would never have children to wanting so badly to have more children.

After my third pregnancy, I had an ultrasound that discovered that only one of my ovaries was working. My pregnancies, even with Nick and Jack, were truly miracles. I had less of a chance of getting pregnant and still had two beautiful baby boys. Ovaries alternate cycles so my back-to-back pregnancies were miracles in themselves. I had a whole new appreciation for my body…and for myself.

For years, I had beaten myself up for not being more of a mother. I questioned whether I was doing things right, or by the book. I could have unconditional love for my children but I did not do that for myself. I was more comfortable having my children cared for by my husband or professional caretakers. I trusted the “experts” rather than listening to my intuition.

Nick and Jack Today

Nick and Jack Today

I have learned so much from my sons. They are more aware at their age than I was as an adult trying to achieve my 5-YEAR-PLANS. I can support them, provide for their needs, ensure they get a valuable education and love them always. But to give them the most important lesson to succeed in life, I need to be an example of self-love.  The more I am able to accept myself, the more I am able to accept others. If I can forgive myself, the more freedom I will have to forgive others. If I live authentically, they are allowed to live authentically. If I listen to my intuition and follow my heart, I can only hope they learn to do the same.

All nature needs being met, love thyself and the rest of motherhood will follow.

 

Berni